So im gonna be 23 in whatever days that upid counter on my page says...And i feel so unacomplished. I have no job and barly any job expierence. I dont have my liscence. I still live with my grandparents. I havent finished college, in fact i have semi given up on it becuase of how low my GPA is. I did so poorly in the times i have been there im scared to go back. In school when things get hard or i just get bored i ignore it and i will stop going. so really im just screwing myself over. I mean there are a few classes that i went to and finished. but there are several classes that i dropped or failed becuase i stopped going. im really dissapointed in myself becuase of this. I do wanna go back. I really wanna prove to myself that i can do it and that maybe i am smart. The other problem i have with school is that i dont know what i want to do. I know i should atleast go and get the rest of the general ed outta the way and raise my GPA, but i really dont know what i want to do. Im 23 and i dont know what i want to do.
i applyed to about 5 different positions at Ikea today. Hopefully i get one of them. I have applyed to several other places..so im hopping one of them calls me. I can't go to school without money, can't get money without a job, can't get a job without expierence, cant get experence without a job. o.O Dude...that sucks. Anyway...I was supposed to get a summer job but i dont think thats going to happen. But if i get the job at ikea i will be happy and if i do get it hopefully it works out, cause at this point weither i hate it or not i have to keep it *sighs* I feel so useless...i have no job, so i dont have money, so i cant help out, and i have to depend on everyone else, and i cant do anything cause everything costs money. (and yes i do realize that my grammer sucks, believe me my cousin yelled at me telling me how my ass should be in school since i cant seem to hold a job, and that so helped me with my self esteem)
I feel like im causing more and more problems in peoples lives...well one in paticular. (yes my spelling is really bad i know)I want so badly to make her happy and to make her proud and to make things eaiser for her. And it seems like all i do is make things harder. I dont wanna make things worse i want to make them better and i dont seem to be doing that at all. It really sucks. I wanna help but i cant becuase i dont have a job. and to top it off my dumb ass doesnt have a liscence becuase im scared to try and get it becuase im scared i wont. Yes im being stupid and childish.
My health is scaring me as well. This damn MRAS (staff infection) is making everything so hard. I can't even get a cut without having to worry about it turning into something. Im so scared all the time i will get an infection and end up back into the hospital. I hate them. Im scared of them now. More then i was before becuase of having to stay in them so much. To top it off my diabeties makes it worse for the MRSA. I am more saseptable to getting infections becuase my diabeties makes my imune system really weak. So i have to watch my blood suger even more becuase of that. One of the problems i get when at the hospital, is becuase of the infection my blood suger gets really high. So even if they treat the MRSA becuase my blood sugaer gets so high i have to stay even longer becuase they have to bring it down. So any kind of infection or cut or anything is really bad. Makes me feel like i cant do anything. I have so many scares becuase of the MRSA. I feel like my body is falling apart. And i hate even more how my body looks becuase of what its doing to it.
I guess im over stressing about alot, and im scared aboutso much. I feel so weak, useless, and helpless. I know things will get better, but it just feels like it wont sometimes. I want to move out and have my own place. I want my own car. I want to eventually start my own family with my partner. I want to be able to provide for myself. To provide for my partner and my family. And i know its going to happen and i know i will get all that. but im still scared. But thats life. Everyone gets scared and everyone has problems. They all may differ but we all still have problems. I guess it just depends on how we deal with them. Wow it feels so much better to get that out. I have been so depressed lately. I know theres alot more that i need and could get out but i think for right now thats enough. Thanks to those who actually read all way through this...GOOD JOB! *gives you a thumbs up*

Ducky